So, last night I had this dream, which I will probably describe in a bit. No problem, I dream all the time, vividly, in color with lots of exciting twists and turns and stuff. I'm a dreamer for sure.
However, when I woke up, this dream caused me to start crying for some reason. So I got out my little journal notebook & started pouring out all this crap I've been holding back and trying to pretend wasn't in my heart towards God. There were phrases like, "Where is MY promise?" and "Why is my life such a wreck, God?", "Why have I waited so long when others have had their promise fulfilled?", among other things.
The upshot of it all is that I discovered a deep, deep well of discontent, pain, and disappointment in me that I sort of realized was there, but have been ignoring and explaining away for an unknown amount of time, but possibly since I was 30... which comes from the fact that I have been waiting and waiting and waiting on a thing that the Lord has seemed to promise me (many times, with many confirmations, externally and internally) that has not been fulfilled yet. And on top of this specific promise not being fulfilled, the rest of my life sucks also. I know that's harsh, but it's really true right now. It's not that I've neglected the rest of my life waiting on this one thing, just that I'm not very good at making things happen. I'm not very driven or ambitious I guess.
I know about how things are not perfect in this life, and that every decision we make affects something else, and lots of other reasons that we use to explain away why something hasn't happened that we feel God has promised us, but in the end it boils down to hope deferred, making the heart sick.
And ultimately what it really boils down to for me, which anyone who knows me has already heard from me, is that I am beyond ready for a change. Not a new hairdo, a new camera, a new pair of jeans, or some new makeup, I'm ready for a life change. I'm tired of living this half-life, settling for half-fulfilled promises, I'm tired of day after week after month of mindless drudgery that is not building toward anything, and I'm tired of settling, period. I'm also through with pretending or hiding behind humor and a Facebook (!) facade of funny and witty posts... I'm beyond ready for real change. And I'm ready to do whatever it takes for change.
Does anyone else feel this way? Are there any promises that you've been waiting on for years? Any advice? (if it is some Christian cliche, though, save it for the Twitter, because I might come through the computer and slap you upside the head. I have heard them ALL and am not in the mood for "all things come to those who wait," and "when you're not looking for it (him), it (he) will show up." Those are grounds for an angry river of bitter words coming at you, that's all I'm saying...)
Well that's all folks. I'm not in a very funny mood today unfortunately. The bright, witty posts will have to be another day...
Okay, one funny thing: while I was writing this, the spell-check thingy underlined Facebook as not a real word. That's so 2003.
Me and the Big Guy had a huge falling out when I had my miscarriage. I blamed him and thought what crappy god would give me the only thing I have ever wanted since getting married, let me carry it to almost the 2nd trimester, then kill it in a matter of days? What cruel and horrible god would do that? Jeff and I both turned our backs on him. I couldnt understand how he could answer my prayers only to squash them. Of course I got the gaunlet of pity responses: It will happen in God's time, everything happens for a reason, you'll grow from this. It was all bs. I refuse to offer any of those responses to the women I see daily coming to have their hopes ripped from their wombs.
ReplyDeleteAll of that to say, slowly over time (and I mean alot of time) I started speaking to him again. I prayed, but I accepted that prayer is only a calling out, it doesn't mean someone will answer. When my prayers aren't answered, am I upset or sometimes down right pissed? Damn skippy. But I keep trying. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response. I'll be the first to admit I have a screw loose. That's why I see a therapist in addition to prayer.
By no means am I perfect, but if you ever need to vent, I am a pretty good listener. I don't judge and whatever I hear stays locked inside my head. You're not alone in this.
thank you, Tay. Can I call you Tay? :-)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it does help to hear that. Mine is mostly about marriage, then babies. Argh.
I was and have been so sorry about the miscarriage. I literally cannot comprehend the pain.
Lol about the definition of insanity! Do you still live in the Azle area? I know your life is busy but it would be cool to hang out. That's part of my problem too, I know, most everyone my age is busy with spouses and/or kids' school events. Ya know?
If I could afford a therapist, I would be there. right now. Because crying and yelling at God for 3 hours straight is a little exhausting.
Thank you again so much for your support. I've been going through this period of really just separating the B.S. of Christianity (not to be confused with C.S. Lewis of Mere Christianity!) from the reality of who Jesus is, and in that process have become much more cuss-ey, and that can easily offend easily offended people. So thanks.
1. Only my friends can call me Tay. So please do.
ReplyDelete2. Still in Azle. Seems like I'll never get rid of this place.
3. I am the busiest not busy person ever. I mean I get off work, then sit on my butt all evening until its time for bed. Then I go back to work. I don't know where I find any time for myself.
4. I have a love of profanity that would surprise many people. I'm not easily offended at all.
5. I'll send you my number on FB. Feel free to use it any time.
6. I like numbers and outlines.
7. If you're free on Oct 8th and like a/c, we're going to a Brahmas hockey game. Tickets are only $10 on the glass. There's only 1 seat left in our section and I think it may have your name on it.